Gratitude--a Plagiarized Post

I have several blog posts I have been trying to find time to write. However, I read a blog from my daughter this morning and decided that she saved me the trouble of writing one of them. Part of it really hit home and I decided to share it verbatim.  I didn't write it, but I might as well have. It hits the nail on the head in so many ways.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
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I have been trying to work recently on counting my blessings, but something about that phrase really rubs me the wrong way. (Am I allowed to say that during November? Will lightning strike me dead?) I'm not saying that I'm not thankful or don't think I need to be thankful. It's just that that particular phrase "Count your blessings" seems to come with a whole subtext for me. Something along the lines of: "Count your blessings. It could always be worse-- and probably will be soon if you don't start showing some gratitude. Don't you realize how easy you have it? Poor you, to have to struggle with central heating, plentiful food, automatic washing machines and four beautiful children that you chose to bring into this world. Tough cookies."

I guess my trouble is not so much with counting my blessings. I am grateful. It's that I feel like in order to truly "count my blessings" I can't-- or don't have the right to-- to acknowledge that I struggle and things are hard, even though I am very blessed. I feel like "counting my blessings" is equated with me saying, "My life is easy and everything is smooth sailing. Any difficulties I have are so minor compared with my blessings that they hardly even count." Which may be true, but isn't what I need to hear-- or have it in me to say-- after an exhausting day caring for four children.

Last week I was thinking a lot about God and how he shows his love for us. I get irritated by children's books and such that say things like, "I know God loves me because I have a nice home and good parents." Does that mean that God loves the children less who are born into poverty or have abusive parents? I don't think God is like that. I have a good friend who is going through a lot of major difficulties in her life right now, yet more than probably anyone else I know right now, she knows that God loves her. It got me to thinking that frequently we equate God's love for us with the level of ease or comfort in our lives when actually those things are completely decoupled. Did God love Job? Then why did he let terrible things happen to him? Did he approve of King Herod more than Jesus (as evidenced by Herod's wealth, power and ease?). No. Negative things are part of being human and mortal. Pain is a way for us to learn and grow (and not one that I particularly like, I might say). But pain is not evidence of my--or God's-- failure.

It is much easier for me to accept difficult things when I don't start thinking, "What did I do wrong to deserve this?" and instead think, "This is temporary. With God's help, I will learn from this and become stronger."

So back to being thankful.... If I can decouple God's love for me with things being easy, then maybe it is okay for me to decouple being thankful from having to feel like things are easy. Maybe it is okay to say, "Today was a really hard day-- and I'm thankful my kids are asleep. I'm thankful for the opportunities I had to grow-- but I'm even more thankful that they have temporarily subsided." :) And maybe it is okay to say, "I am abundantly blessed and tremendously thankful-- and my life is difficult and hard (at least for me) and challenges me to my very core." Being thankful doesn't mean having to ignore the painful and the ugly and pretend they aren't there-- they still are, no matter how grateful you are. For me being thankful is not letting the painful and ugly crowd out the beautiful and sweet. Letting the pain overshadow and drive out the joy is just as untrue as pretending that the pain isn't there in the first place. So maybe I need to add to my goals-- along with peacefuly coexisting with pee-pee-- to learn to peacefully, thankfully coexist with discomfort, but to see it and acknowledge it just the same. 

Enough pontificating. Off to bed.
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End of plagiarized post....  Happy November, everyone.

Ouch! Could this be me?

A friend posted this lengthy quote from the AA Big Book on the 90-day OA facebook page. It is something my sponsor spent a great deal of time discussing with me early in our work together. I obviously have a very short memory.  More accurately, I have a selective memory—focusing on what I want to hear or believe than on the reality of my situation.

Change the term “alcohol” to food, shopping, TV or video games, sex, addiction to drama and crisis--or what ever our problem might be--and many of can see ourselves in the description below.

When I combine the idea below with a simple statement that someone made at an ARP meeting a few years back, “being abstinent is no harder or no simpler than deciding you want to be abstinent”, and I get some seriously painful insight into myself.

As I look at the repeated difficulty I have had this last year or two staying abstinent, I realize that I have one major, fundamental problem: In my heart of hearts I don’t want to have to stay abstinent. I want to eat what ever I want when ever I want. I have bounced back and forth trying to convince myself that I can be a normal eater—that I might turn into a normal eater, or that I already have turned into a normal eater.  Simply put, I don’t want to stay abstinent because I am still convinced there is an “easier, softer way.”

With that introduction, the following AA description pretty much covers my situation.

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”Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

”We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

”We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

”We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.”

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As my sponsor put it, at some point in time I need to quit trying to jump out of bed, hoping that my legs have grown back, only to fall down on the floor. I need to wake up, strap on my prosthesis and get on with my life. 

That is what a commitment to abstinence really is.

Sponsors are wonderful things!

Sponsors are wonderful things!

I totally fell apart in my program this week. Of course, I have to start off by trying to be a little positive: I didn't pick up flour or sugar, although I have to say the thought briefly crossed my mind.  I didn't even pick up the "sugar-free" ice cream with artificial sweeteners, although I have to say that the thought not only crossed my mind, but it sat there for the entire five minutes I stood in front of the ice cream freezer at the grocery store debating the issue. However, by yesterday I had pretty much convinced myself that either I couldn't or I didn't care enough to eat only my weighed and measured food.

It is hard to stick with specific weighed and measured meals when you are spending all day either getting food out for children or cleaning it up. It is really hard to do that when you have extra pressure and responsibilities in your life and you feel the stress mounting.  On the other hand, it is quite easy to convince yourself that you deserve some extra pampering and that excess food is a safe way to get that.  Hence the overdose I had on nuts...pecans, walnuts, almonds. All good, nutritious, "abstinent" foods in a prescribed quantity. Not abstinent when eaten by the handful whenever I walk past the nut canister.

By this morning I had convinced myself that I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. There was no point to doing it. Life was going to be just too crazy and I should pick it up again on the 21st when things calm down around here. I made the decision to give up and not worry about what I ate as long as it didn't include flour or sugar. Luckily, I also made one other important decision: call my sponsor and at least be honest about my plan.

She listened and then told me exactly what she thought. As usual, she was inspired to say the right things and to help bring some level of sanity and rationality to my thinking. The talk was fairly long, hence the difficulty in condensing it here. However, here are some of the points that turned my thinking around:

1) Don't feel defeated. I haven't binged yet today.  I can walk in and eat my weighed and measured breakfast. Just that simple act works wonders to helping me feel in control again. I can commit to do the same thing for lunch.  And then for dinner. One meal at a time.

2) I have a problem with boundaries anyway, but they disappear at the first sign of crisis and flipping into survival mode. Posted on my frig: exactly what I am going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don't have to think about it...just grab it at the appropriate time. When life gets complicated I tend to forget the concept of putting your own oxygen mask on first and then helping the child get theirs on. I take care of them and then (figuratively) am gasping for air while I frantically try to save myself by stuffing food in.

3) I have slipped into responding to feelings rather than acting on principles. That is exactly how addiction works.  Note now posted on my frig: "Act (eat) based on principles and not on feelings." What an amazingly simple concept, but how easy to forget when we start to get stressed out!

I am frustrated that this blog isn't doing justice to how much help my sponsor actually was, but I am grateful that I feel more confident and have a greater sense of serenity with my food than I did just a few hours ago.

Step One

It amazes me that I have been in program for over six years now. During that time I have attended numerous meetings and listened to boat-loads of people share their experience, strength and hope. Many of them talk about this “allergy” thing they have with food—especially flour and sugar. I have listened very dutifully and thought that was just their dramatic way of explaining to other people why they don’t eat flour or sugar. Of course, we all know that it isn’t REALLY an allergy.

I have finally learned that whenever the “old timers” say something that I think sounds bizarre, over-dramatic or down right crazy, it is usually word for word out of the Big Book, and the reason it doesn’t sound familiar is because my initial breezing through the Big Book wasn’t nearly enough to grasp, let alone internalize, all the important concepts.

I have been studying the 12x12 with my sponsor. As with the Big Book, I am amazed at how clearly it outlines the problem of food addiction. Of course, it is talking about alcohol, but it is clearly all pretty much the same. Every time I open either one of those books something particularly critical to my recovery jumps up and hits me right between the eyes.

In my last blog I talked about the nature of addiction: 1) an obsession of the mind and 2) an allergy of the body. Furthermore, recovery is also pretty straight-forward—not easy—just straight forward.  1) complete abstinence, 2) work the 12-steps to heal the crazy thinking that drives us to turn to our addiction. Virtually everything we do in our recovery program is related either to staying abstinent or working the steps.

Step One: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become “unmanageable”.   Label for step 1 = HONESTY.

No one, much less me, wants to admit that they are powerless. But I tried to solve my eating problem; I kept thinking I could do it on my own. Regardless of my best efforts, my destructive eating was so out of hand that only an “act of Providence” could remove it from me. Remove what? The obsession of the mind, the constant pre-occupation with food. It turns out that being able to admit that kind of powerlessness is the bedrock upon which recovery is built.

The book says that no good can come “unless he has first accepted his devastating weakness and all its consequences. Until he so humbles himself, his sobriety—if any—will be precarious.”

Humble?  “Awareness of one’s own shortcoming or powerlessness.”  It is interesting that that kind of humility is inseparably connected to serenity. It turns out that serenity doesn’t come until we are done with the experimentation….until we are done trying to figure out what we can get away with and still stay at an acceptable weight ( or stay sober, abstinent, sane….depending on what our actual addiction is.) Wow, have I struggled with that over the years!

The 12x12 says “none but the most desperate cases could swallow and digest this unpalatable truth’ but when they did lay hold of A.A. principles “with all the fervor with which the drowning seize life preservers, they almost invariably got well.”

The chapter ends by saying “under the lash of alcoholism [food addiction] we are driven to A.A. [90-day OA]. Then, and only then, do we become…open-minded…and as willing to listen as the dying can be. We are ready to do anything which will lift the merciless obsession from us.”

So that is how Step 1 works. Be honest with myself. Admit that I am a food addict. Admit that no matter how hard I have tried, I haven’t been able to overcome it on my own. Get to the point that I am so desperate for help and healing that I am willing to do anything to find recovery. When we get to that level of desperation—our “rock bottom”—we are finally willing to start following the program and we work toward having that “psychic change” or “spiritual awakening” where our obsession is lifted and

As I evaluate myself in context of step 1, there is some good news and some bad news. Good news: I get that I am a food addict. I absolutely, unquestionably get that I have an allergy (abnormal reaction) to flour and sugar. I have accepted the fact that I can never, for any reason, put that stuff in my body. In that area I have had that “psychic change”. Yesterday we were at a restaurant where the first thing they did was plop a huge basket of the lightest, softest, freshest white dinner rolls with honey-butter in front of me that you could ever want to see. I LOVE those kind of rolls. I would have eaten the entire basket in my previous life. But, I was able to look at them, admire their beauty and smell and then leave them sitting on the table for someone else to eat. I wasn’t even white-knuckling it. I really didn’t want them. I totally have accepted the fact that they are not and will never be a part of my life again. There was no obsession, no longing—just acceptance of my reality.

That is the good news. The bad news: There are other areas of my abstinence that I am still just white-knuckling it. I know I can’t eat certain things without getting in trouble with my sponsor, but I REALLY wish I could and still secretly wonder if some day I will be able to again. Just a few nights ago we were poking through some cute touristy shops and they had some wonderful-looking sugar-free chocolate. I haven’t touched that for a long time now, and yet it was all I could do to not buy a piece.  I longed for it. I had conversations with myself on what the pros and cons would be of putting it in mouth. Note that the vast majority of the shop—regular “chocolate with sugar”—wasn’t’ the slightest temptation. My brain recoils from the word sugar. But that “sugar-free” label almost killed me. I actually had to reach out to another OA member for mental and emotional reinforcements. I didn’t eat it because I have done the “experimentation” and I understand that I am such an addict that I wouldn’t be able to stop at one. I knew that the “allergy” would kick in and I would kept shoveling them into my mouth. (See, I am making progress on step one.)  The difference in this case was that even though I didn’t eat it and didn’t trigger the allergy, I really wanted to. That old obsession of the mind was there in full force. The tools of the program kept me from giving in, but I recognized that  unless I can overcome that “obsession of the mind” in all areas of my abstinence, I will at some point cave in.

Even as I am writing this, I recognize it as a recurring theme—something I have written over and over about on my blog. It is important that I keep writing about it until my acceptance of the fact that my food addiction makes it as impossible to eat anything with artificial sweeteners, or anything that isn’t precisely weighed and measured at mealtime as it does make it impossible for me to touch flour and sugar.

For today, I am not totally there yet, but I am working at it.

The Nature of Addiction

The book explains that most of us enter the program expecting to be taught self-confidence. Instead, we find that self-confidence is a total liability. Why?  We learn that we are victims of a mental obsession so powerful that no amount of human willpower could break it. That is actually an important thought. The world—and ourselves—have always believed that overcoming addiction was just a matter of will-power. In reality, however hard we try to fix the problem ourselves, the mental obsession is stronger and generally prevails, leaving us defeated, dejected and more susceptible to our addiction.  We just can’t break that cycle on our own. These principles basically apply to all addiction—drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, pornography, shopping, video games, etc.

The dilemma is worse than that, actually. The Big Book and the 12x12 explain the true nature of addiction. It has two parts:

1)   the obsession of the mind

2) an allergy of the body 

In order for that to make sense, it is important to understand those two terms, “obsession” and “allergy”.

Obsession (mental component of addiction)  = an idea that haunts, troubles or preoccupies the mind; an idea so strong that it overcomes any thought or evidence to the contrary; an idea strong enough to overcome concern for possible negative consequences.

Allergy (physical component of addiction) = an abnormal reaction to something. In an addict, allergy almost always presents itself in the form of abnormal CRAVING.

Examples of an “obsession” (an irrational idea):

“I can take just one drink (bite) and stop” even though experience has shown the opposite to be true.

“I haven’t had a drink for three months; I must not be an addict any more.”

“If I do it just this once it won’t matter.”

“That pair of shoes is such a great price; even though I haven’t budgeted for them, I really ought to buy them.”

Examples of an “allergy” (abnormal reaction):

I eat a piece of cake; rather than feeling satisfied like a “normal” person, I have a strong craving to eat the entire cake!

I buy a new T-shirt and end up getting it in three different colors.

I see an inappropriate picture on the internet. Rather than being repulsed by it, I have this compulsive craving to see more.

Addiction is a two-edged sword: we are smitten with an “insane urge” to do what ever we determined we would not do; once we do it, the abnormal reaction (allergy) kicks in and we can’t stop.  This explains why serious addicts rarely, if ever, recover on their own resources.

The problem of addiction is both mental and physical. The solution has to be spiritual.

The literature explains that “only an act of Providence can remove it from us”.  This is where the spiritual solution comes in. We pray for the willingness, the surrender, to stay abstinent. Then we work the 12-steps which provide the spiritual and emotional healing which will eventually overcome the mental obsession.

Addiction = 1) allergy of the body,  2) mental obsession

Recovery = 1) complete abstinence,  2) spiritual healing through the 12-steps.

By staying abstinent—never  putting the offending substance or idea in our body or brain—we prevent the “allergy” which makes us unable to stop.

By working the steps, we heal the mind in such a way that we are able to overcome the mental obsession and face life in a rational, healthy way.

For today, that covers the topic in a nutshell.

A Homework Assignment

My sponsor and I have been working on step #1 (again) and she gave me a homework assignment: write about what it was like weighing 326.

I have conveniently forgotten about being morbidly obese. Notice that I can say that term now. I didn’t used to be able to. There is something about having that label medically applied to yourself that makes it substantially more offensive. But, not meaning to digress—it seams that forgetting what life used to be like is closely connected to forgetting that I am a food addict and that I don’t want to go back there.  So, here goes.

326 pounds.

I wear between a size 30 and 32 pants. That is not the waist size. It is the size you get to when you grow into and out of the “women’s sizes” of 18, 20, 22, and 24.  Then you are relegated to shopping at a very select number of specialty stores that sell the “extended” sizes that go up to 28 and occasionally 30 and 32. Since those stores are few and far between, I am forced to make a lot of my clothes. Thank goodness I can sew. That little skill assures that I will have an endless supply of what I affectionately call “my uniform”. That means that I wear either pants or a skirt (all identical style, different color or prints) and a T-shirt with a blouse worn over the T-shirt like an open jacket. It has to be a soft, drapey blouse because a real jacket would be too stiff, too bulky and too hot to wear at that weight, to say nothing of that fact that I could never get one big enough to go around my middle that would not drown me on the shoulders. I wear the over-blouse regardless of how hot I am because just a T-shirt would expose every roll of fat too clearly. With a soft blouse left open, it creates the illusion that I am wearing lose, flowing clothing because I like it, not because that is all that will fit me. I posted "before" pictures on q previous blog that document this image and point out that my strategy didn’t work as well as I imaged.

That uniform has its advantages. It always looks better with a flashy, chunky necklace, which means that I still have something to shop for since clothes-shopping is no longer entertaining. The drawback is that now it is even hard to find long enough necklaces to look good at that size. Ah—but what about shoes? Even though my body has grown bigger, my feet haven’t gotten any longer. That means that shoe shopping is much more satisfying and I have, indeed, gathered a nice collection of shoes. The problem with that is that at 326 pounds my feet have started to hurt and my knees are acting up so much that I can’t really wear any of those shoes and in the recent months have had to resort to wearing Birkenstocks with my dresses as well as the pants I’ve always worn them with. What a fashion statement! My children make merciless fun of the Birkenstocks. I guess that is better than them making fun of my weight or overall size.

Forget the logistical complications of trying to dress an “extended” size body. What about the emotional ramifications? Being fat stinks. Pure and simple. I’ll admit I am somewhat vain, but not really any more so than most ladies. But, I have to admit it crushes my vanity to look like this. It is more than a blow to my ego. It is humiliating. I hate having my first concern every time I have to walk into a new social situation be “what will people will think about me?” I know, it sounds egotistical to think that people will even notice, let alone think about it. But they do. The fact is that there is a great prejudice against people of size. I know there is. I have the same prejudice against other fat people. The difference is that I know me. I know that I am different. I’m not fat because I am lazy or stupid or weak or incompetent. I’m fat because of a genetic problem over which I have no control. It is the other fat people who are lazy, stupid, weak or incompetent. But, that is how I know people really do judge me. It is because I judge them too. I spend too much time looking for people who are fatter than me. Comparison is my best friend. I may not be thin, but as long as there is someone bigger than me, I am still okay.

Back to the self-esteem issue. I am such a talented person. I have so many gifts—so many things I have accomplished and done well in my life. Why is it that none of them seem to matter compared to the utterly bleak sense of failure I feel at this size? Why isn’t anything else I have done in life enough to erase the pain that I can’t conquer this one problem?

Emotional well-being aside, there are some very real physical inconveniences that come with being a person of size. For example, thin people take moving around for granted. They get on the floor and back off the floor when they want. They bend over. They fit in confined spaces. They really don’t understand what it is like to have to make getting down on the floor a huge decision-making process. Will I be able to get back off the floor? How many people may be watching me try to do it? After all, it won’t be a pretty site. Will the furniture I need to grab onto be steady enough to support my struggle upward? Even if I can get back up, at this weight it is downright painful to sit on the floor. What do you do with those huge legs that don’t conveniently fold in any particular direction without causing instantaneous pain? Never mind all the years I didn’t get down there and play with my kids. Never mind that fact that I can’t get on the floor with my grandkids. It is easier to just make sure I never get into that position. After all, that is what chairs are for.

The problem is that most chairs aren’t for people of size. They break at very random, inconvenient times. I have learned this the hard way, and as a result, I am much more clever than most fat people at assessing chairs BEFORE I sit in them and they break under my weight. There are subtle tricks to that game…make sure I am never the last one into a room and left with no seating options. Arrive early. Pick a sturdy looking chair that I know I can get out of. Sofas are never a good choice. When as few people as possible are watching, scoot the chair farther away from the neighboring chairs so I don’t invade someone else’s personal space with my over-flowing body. Plant myself in it and stay there until the event is over.

Cars are problematic. The front seat belts in my particular cars do still go around me. The problem is that not all seatbelts do. That means that it is very stressful to go anywhere in someone else’s car. It is SO embarrassing to get in their car and the have to say, “I’m sorry. Your seatbelt won’t go around me. We’ll have to switch to my car.” The majority of the time I actually can get the seatbelt on with enough effort, but the stress hardly makes it worth it. It is a lengthy struggle that involves twisting and turning and sifting around, pulling the belt in and out multiple times. After all, my rear end is completely covering the seat-end of the belt so it takes a minor miracle to even be able to find it, let alone pull the belt tight enough to get it to actually click. By the time I finally hear that “click” and experience an unexplainable sense of relief that the ordeal is over, my back has been pulled out of joint and I am exhausted.

If cars are bad, planes are ten times worse. The seat belt may or may not go around. Even if it does, my body overflows into the adjoining seats. I can usually deal with this as long as I am traveling with my husband. He loves me and never complains that I put the arm rest up and ooze onto this seat. But other passengers are not nearly so gracious. There is something culturally unacceptable about having part of my body dog-piled on their body when they paid for their seat fair and square. But, then again, nothing about being fat is fair, is it?

There are so many activities that I can’t do like a normal person. I try to play volleyball, but I am only somewhat effective if the ball comes directly to me. After all, I don’t run, let alone jump for the ball. It is not that I don’t want to. It is just that my brain is programmed to protect my body and every instinct in it says that a sudden movement at my size will likely result in a serious injury or fall. Falls are bad, not just because of the chance for injury, but because should I ever land unexpectedly on the ground, it would take nothing short of a small army to get me up again. I know. I’ve done it and it is humiliating.

Swimming is another fun activity when you are overweight. It actually ought to be a wonderful choice since it is the closest to weightless I ever get. The problem is two-fold: 1) you have to wear a swim suit. Even with long shorts over it, a swim suit at 326 pounds is not a pretty sight. 2) being in the water is fine, but having to step out of the water and make that transition from the water supporting much of my weight to having to get my wet, soggy body out of the water under my own steam is a nightmare. Its easier just not to swim at all. There is one situation where the benefits of being corpulent are a real asset. Swimming in lake. When I was young, prudence dictated that I wear a life jacket in the open water. However, I found that at 326 pounds, I don’t need one at all. I can float in a lake without touching the bottom and without any movement of my arms or legs. In fact, if I float in the water in a “standing up” position the water only comes up to my chin. I can breathe quite freely through my nose while being completely motionless. How cool is that? It’s really cool, but not cool enough to counteract how hard it is to try and get out of the lake afterward.

I could talk about the trauma of trying to go to amusement parks…of being too large to get on any of the fun rides. I could talk about the time my husband assured me I could fit on a particular roller coaster since he was sure he saw lots of other people “bigger than me” on it. Well, obviously they weren’t bigger in all the same places because when all was said and done, the safety bar would not latch and I basically shut down the ride while the staff figured out what to do. Not a happy moment in my life.  What about the time we were in Hawaii and I couldn’t go on the helicopter ride with my husband because I was not willing to purchase the TWO tickets needed to accommodate my weight?

There are lots of other little inconveniences. Not being able to bend over in the shower and shave my legs. Okay. It is a small shower. The real problem was that I can barely fit in and close the door. Forget the bending over. Slip on shoes are a must when you can’t bend over to tie your shoes. Putting nylons on is a big challenge and trying to reach behind myself to zip a dress would be a mission-impossible situation if I happened to have a dress.

Climbing a ladder is a no-no. Putting 326 pounds of pressure on the ball of one foot at a time on such a skinny rung is too painful, so I stay on solid ground with my weight evenly distributed over the entire surface area of both feet, and the feet carefully protected in my Birkenstocks. No, I’m not making a sales pitch for Birkenstocks. I am just saying they are a fat person’s best friend. I have learned to walk slowly and pick my steps carefully. Curbs are dangerous. Steps are exhausting. Uneven ground is hazardous.

Life starts to feel all around safer in the confines of my own house. In fact, staying home has two advantages. It is safer and it saves me a lot of embarrassment and mental anguish. At least that would be the case if I had removed all mirrors in the house. I remember one day sitting at my desk. The closet doors in that particular room happened to be sliding mirror doors. I glanced up from my computer and caught a side-view glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was startling. It was shocking. Was that really me? I remember staring at my image with this sick sense of fascination and horror all rolled into one and thinking, “Wow, I am grotesquely fat! That is unbelievable!” And then after a few minutes I looked away and made a point to move my desk so I didn’t sit in front of the mirror like that anyway more.

Luckily, miraculously, I am not 326 pounds any more. I am not grotesquely fat. I don’t wear humongous sizes. I don’t even have to wear Birkenstocks.

But I am still a food addict. I am still just one bite away from being back to that old me, and it is worth remembering that how ever much I might want to eat that other kind of food, there is no “easier, softer way”. Being fat isn’t easier. Being crippled and unhealthy isn’t easier. Feeling lousy about myself isn’t easier.

For today, I think I am stuck with the reality that as hard as it is, the 90-day program and the 90-day OA program is the easier, softer way.

    

Off To A Rough Start

This morning I had a very unhappy conversation with my sponsor.  By unhappy I mean that I called in being in a pretty good, happy mood and got off the phone on the verge of tears.  For those of you who don’t know me, that is VERY unusual.  Crying is akin to running naked through a shopping mall for me…it just isn’t done.  Why the emotional 180° turn around?  My sponsor told me off.

Of course she told me off with great civility and calmness, but I felt emotionally thrashed none-the-less. So here’s the scenario:  I have been in Portland for almost three weeks. I am staying at someone else’s house, living someone else’s life. This is not a bad thing. In fact, it has been wonderful in so many ways. But the reality is that it is much harder to do certain things when you are away from home and out of your normal routine—like work your recovery program.

So, I got up this morning figuratively patting myself on the back for what a good job I have been doing with my food here. My mistake was to casually mention to my sponsor that I hadn’t listened to a phone meeting yesterday like I had planned. She was all over that. As the conversation moved along, she wasn’t sure she could keep sponsoring me. She felt she was just hearing excuses and “disease” talking. I wasn’t willing to do what she asked and put my recovery program first. etc. etc. etc, blah-blah blah-blah-blah.

That was just not what I had been expecting to hear. What about giving me a little verbal affirmation?  Why not acknowledge that I had done pretty well considering the circumstances? Or how about at least a little understanding of why I couldn’t seem to fit the phone meeting in with picking up after four active kids, running them to and from dance classes, cooking dinner, potty-training, dishes (okay…and I will admit, also a lovely evening getting a pedicure and manicure with my daughter….)

When I got over feeling like I had to cry I settled in for a brief period of just being resentful. She was the bad guy. I was the victim. I didn’t notice that was my thinking, but my all-wise daughter was fairly blunt at pointing it out: “Mom, that is addict talk I am hearing from you. ‘Poor me. I am trying so hard and she doesn’t even acknowledge it. She expects me to be perfect’”.  My daughter went on to point out that you can tell when someone is “not in recovery” by the fact that they feel like they are victimized by someone else’s callused lack of understanding.  In contrast, someone who is in recovery will listen openly, hear the truth and make the appropriate course corrections without defensiveness. Well, I head already tangled with two people who were being less than sympathetic to my plight and the day had harding begun yet.

It would have been so much easier to stay resentful had I not realized they were both right. I was making excuses. I wasn’t putting recovery first. My addict-behavior was prodding me to turn things around so I was the victim and they were the bad guys. I was forgetting that my sponsor’s reason for spending time on the phone with me every morning is not because she is bored, has nothing to do, or secretly wants to torture me. She is merely trying to share her experience, strength and hope in a such way that I can find and keep recovery.

So, I let go of the impulse to eat everything I could find just out of spite. I stayed with my food plan today, and after I put the kids to bed I actually listened to a couple of recorded online meetings.  She is right—my life is one long string of exceptions and extenuating circumstances. I have to put recovery first all the time…not just when I am comfortably sitting at home with nothing else to distract me. Good lesson learned. Just for today I will try to be grateful for people who are willing to say what I need to hear instead of what I want to hear. The truth really can set us free.

Ignoring My Real Issue

Considering the fact that I have written a zillion posts in my brain I find it ironic that I am only getting one down in print every few months. The frustrating thing is that I have cycled through so many stages of thinking since I last wrote and have ended up right back where I was in March—including being on “day #1” again. So, maybe I just saved myself some time—I can pick right back up where I left off writing.

That is not to say that many goods things haven’t happened. They have. I made it perilously close to getting back to 90-day.  Close, but no cigar.  I lost an additional 7 pounds (26 pounds off since November), which not only puts me right back into an acceptable weight range, but puts me quite close to my ideal weight. So, what’s the problem?

Me. I’m the problem. 

In my last post I clearly established the fact that I am an addict. I took the test and I definitely tested positive. The next post, which never got posted any where but in my brain, was about the “solution”. The solution is clear: 1) complete abstinence, which prevents the physical craving from taking over, and 2) working the 12-steps in such a way that I have a complete psychic change sufficient to bring about recovery so that the mental obsession doesn’t take over.

I have been working really hard on that “psychic change.” I have done a lot of soul searching, studying, immersing myself in the AA Big Book and really gaining a deeper understanding of what it is all about. I understand the principles—the theory. But there is obviously something missing if I can do all that and then have a weekend where I snack on a few tortilla chips and eat left-over lunch between meals. Of course I rationalized that it was just a “little” extra “abstinent” food. But it was still a break of abstinence.

Forget the psychic change right now. Forget the figuring it all out. I have a problem with abstinence. Complete abstinence must precede success in working the steps. I totally believe that. I just can’t stay focused on what that actually looks like. I was able to stay focused on it for a number of years, but I have to be honest with myself. I have been messing with my definition of abstinence for some time now. I swing back and forth between the very strict “every bite weighed and measured” and a more reasonable approach of “good healthy foods (still no flour and sugar, of course) in moderate quantities, mostly weighed and measured, but not always.”

It is SO easy to be completely abstinent from drinking alcohol. You either drink it or you don’t. I am frustrated and resentful that it is not that cut and dried and simple with food. We have to eat to live.

Okay, I see that what I am really resentful about is that it IS that cut and dried with food.  I just don’t like the reality. Abstinent food for me is eaten exactly three times a day—nothing in between.  No snacking. No snitching. No tasting. No polishing off a little bit of left-over. Abstinent food is dished in precise, accurate, weighed and measured quantities. Abstinent food is pre-planned under the guidance of a sponsor—not just compulsively eating what ever looks good at the moment. That is a very painful reality, especially considering that there are so many people who seem to maintain their weight and their sanity without those very strict guidelines. I don’t want to accept the fact that I am not one of those people. Give me an inch. I will eventually take a mile. Push my start button and I don’t have a stop. Yep—I get it—academically, at least.

My sponsor said something yesterday that kind of hit me over the head, so to speak. She said: “Your job is to stay abstinent.  That is your responsibility.”

Wow. That gave me a lot to think about. I love to hide from reality behind “thinking”. I tend to want to approach my recovery as an academic exercise. If I could just figure out a more clever way to understand the steps…If I could just figure out a more effective way to turn it over to my higher power. Well, I accidently thought myself into a break through. I have everything reversed. My job is to stay abstinent and turn everything else over to God. In reality, I am expecting God to make me abstinent and I am spending my time and emotional energy trying to do everything that I should be leaving to him. That is worth repeating.

Truth: my job is to stay abstinent and turn everything else over to God.

My addicted approach: I want God to keep me abstinent with no work or sacrifice on my part while I busy myself trying to run the rest of the world.

I have always hated the word “surrender”. I don’t want to surrender my food. I have avoided dealing with that fundamental issue by hanging on to two ideas:  1) I was so successful and comfortable surrendering my food for so long (during the first 2-3 years in program) that I have obviously outgrown the need for that and it isn’t important any more, and 2) there has got to be a way to surrender my food without being so strict.

Any intelligent person would be able to step back and recognize that neither of those cases  appear to be reality for me. I don’t seem to recognize it. I keep thinking and rehashing it over and over, hoping that I will find a different, softer conclusion. That’s insanity.

For today I have one job: stay abstinent. I don’t have to outsmart the world. I don’t have to solve all my problems. For today I just trust that if I am willing to take that single step of faith that all the other pieces will eventually fall into place.

Am I an Addict?

This whole “recovery” thing is REALLY frustrating. All I really wanted in the beginning was to get down to a normal weight and stay. Done. I got there. Even with some fluctuations over the last year or two, I have pretty much stayed that way. So why do I feel like I am back at square one (to say nothing of day #1) in my recovery?

A lot of it is because my sponsor is tough.  By that, I don’t mean that she is unreasonable or arbitrarily strict.  I mean that she demands I deal with the under-lying issues of food addiction—do I, or do I not have a disease that makes me respond to food differently than normal people?  If so, what does that mean?  What do I have to actually do in order to control the physical addiction and the mental compulsion? 

She makes me ask hard questions. I don’t like the answers.  Furthermore, the answers aren’t really clear or cut-and-dried, black-and-white like I want them to be. Actually, even as I write that last sentence, my real fear is that the answers are cut-and-dried.  I just am not sure I am ready to accept that right now. I am still secretly convinced that there must be—there has to be—an “easier, softer way”. 

So, I have committed to looking, yet again, at the original issues that plagued me and see if I can sort through them.  My purpose in doing this isn’t in an effort to find some magic bullet that will get me down to a miniature size dress—that is pretty much a non-issue for me now.  The purpose is to get back to the mental, emotional and spiritual freedom that I used to have in the early days of my program where I didn’t waste an ounce of energy negotiating with myself on what I could or could not eat—where I ate a pre-planned meal and didn’t think about food again until the clock said it was time to eat my next pre-planned meal—and where I was happy and grateful to do that.

So the specific question for this blog:  Am I a food addict?

I would like to believe that because I am a normal size and weight that I am not really a food addict any more.  However, experience tells me that is a lie.  I attended an OA meeting last Saturday where the speaker shed some amazingly clear light on that subject.  She explained that when she first joined the program she had a hard time accepting the labels, “food addict” or that she had an incurable “disease of mind and body”.  She did, however, recognize that she didn’t eat the same way that normal people ate.  Her sponsor asked her to write down on paper what being a “normal eater” looked like and what being an “abnormal eater” looked like.  She came up with something I think is wonderfully insightful.  I asked her (Courtney) for a copy and here it is:

Normal versus Abnormal Eaters

What do normal eaters say?

Do you want to split this?

This is too much food.

I’m too full for dessert.
I’ll have a child size.

I forgot to eat.

It’s too rich or too sweet.

I’m too nervous/stressed/excited/sad/happy to eat right now.

I’ve lost my appetite.

I’m not hungry—I’ll skip lunch.

I’ll just have a taste.

I can’t finish this—would you like it?

No, I don’t need a doggie bag.

How do normal eaters react to eating and food?

They stop when they’re full.

They eat for fuel, not for comfort.

They don’t use food to suppress feelings or to dial down intense feeling.

They don’t go into a food trance.

They have a bite or two and walk away.

They don’t have cravings or yearning for certain foods—

Certain foods don’t trigger them to a binge.

They don’t have an emotional drive to eat.

They don’t feel desperation that they have to eat “right now.”

They don’t feel guilty after eating.

They eat to feed and nourish their bodies, not their emotions.

They don’t get overly excited about eating certain foods.

They leave food on their plate.

They are not into high volume.

They don’t obsess over, sneak, or hide foods.

They share food with others.

There is not the emotional attachment to food.

They don’t use food for soothing, comfort or to meet their emotional hunger.

What do abnormal eaters say?

I have to have it right now.

I’ll feel better after I have this.

I’ll start dieting tomorrow (or Monday).

I can control this with enough prayer, exercise, shrink appointments, etc.

I’ll only have 3…or 4.

How do abnormal eaters react to eating and food?

They have a long history of dieting, starving, bingeing, trying to control their eating, loss of control, and promises to do better next time.

They feel a desperate need to eat something right away.

They have a deep emotional attachment to food, to certain foods, or to eating in general.

Eating has become an automatic soothing response to stresses.

They use food and eating as a way to get comfortable or to dial down uncomfortable feelings.

They use food and eating as a way to cope.

They eat instead of problem solve.

Food has become a psychological tool.

They use food and eating to avoid feelings that are too intense or anxiety-provoking.

They haven’t learned how to cope with life and emotions in a way that doesn’t include food and eating.

They need certain foods to treat and satisfy.

They usually stuff food in very quickly.

They usually chose comfort foods (not carrots) and fell guilty about it.

Food is a love object.

Food is used to sooth and comfort.

They short-circuit their best problem-solving abilities by going into a food trance.

They choose high sugar, fat, and salty foods to go into the food trance.

They have an unexplainable driving need to eat that no amount of will-power can control.

Emotional hungers trigger emotional eating.

They eat when they’re not hungry.

They don’t stop when they are full.

They use their obsession with weight and body image as a way to distract them from what’s really bothering them.

I didn’t have to read through much of this to recognize that I am clearly (even now) not a normal eater.  Although the obvious symptoms of me being an abnormal eater have been greatly reduced over the last five years on program, it is clear that I still have a problem.

● I may stop when the scale says I am done eating, but I don’t want to!

● I still have a gut-reaction to eat when things are upsetting or stressing me out.

● Food still sooths and comforts me like nothing else does.

● I still have a strong emotional attachment to food.  This becomes clear in certain social or family situations where a particular eating experience is inseparably connected to my enjoyment of the event.  I don’t enjoy the people or the occasion they same way unless the food experience is involved.

Yep.  I’m still a food addict.

Reporting In

It occurred to me that only two things have been obvious from my posts of late:  I have spent most my time totally off the grid and when I have surfaced I have verbosely gone on and on about whatever happened to be on my mind at the time.  So, I’ll balance that out with a little factual update.

After seven consecutive weeks of travel (including Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years) I had my first official “weigh in day” on my home scale in three months—February 1^st.  The results:  I have lost 17 pounds from the time I started blogging.  That doesn’t put me back down to where I want to be, but it puts me back to within 4 pounds of my reasonable “goal weight” and one size smaller than I was in October. (Okay, the vanity part of me is not content to be a healthy weight…I want to be an AMAAAAZING weight, so I will keep plugging.)  And it definitely relieves some of the worry I was feeling about being out of control and being afraid of gaining back 180 pounds of lost weight.

Anyway, hurray,  hurray,  hurray!  The program works if you work it!

I left California early last Thursday for two more weeks of travel.  First stop: the very cold regions of Ottawa, Ontario, Canada.  My husband decided he was tired of traveling home each weekend and figured I could come visit him instead.  I have to admit I was a little concerned.  I have been freezing in California, so how on earth was I going to survive that fact that the high temperatures during the day here have only been getting up to between -15º and -7º C? That is a problem that even chocolate wouldn’t fix.  I have actually done remarkably well.  My husband is used to eating every meal out—three times a day.  That wouldn’t have done well for my weight.  So, first stop in Canada…Costco!  I loaded up with an obscene pile of produce and a few other staples.  I have cooked every meal except two here in the hotel—weighed, measured and abstinent.  It helps that the hotel he booked is basically a condo-type apartment with a full kitchen, dining room, living room, bedroom, storage room etc.  Gee—all the luxuries of home minus my rice cooker and vita-mixer.  But, it has the added advantage of daily room service.  I could get used to that without too much trouble.

Anyway, tomorrow evening I fly back to California and arrive home late (i.e. 2:30 in the morning).  I leave at 6 a.m. the next morning to go for another 10 day road trip off to St. George and the more northern parts of Utah.  More food challenges to be faced, but I am feeling up to the challenge.  Amazing how different life is when you eat to live rather than live to eat!

It is by grace we are save....

As long as my mind’s meanderings have been taking a somewhat religious route I might as well lay some more spiritual insights out on the table. 

Grace.  How does the word “grace” relate to recovery from addiction?  I understand and accept the basic Christian doctrine: it is through Grace we are saved.  (Acts 15:11, Ephesians 2:8, 2 Ne 25:23)  No matter how noble our own efforts, they are insufficient in and of themselves.  Were it not through the Grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ, none of us would or could be saved.

I understand grace in broad, general terms.  We do our best, but it can never be good enough.  Through his atonement, Jesus Christ makes up for our deficiencies.  When we truly accept him, he makes up the difference and we are enough.  This very simplistic answer seems to fit right in with what I will hereafter call the “Naaman Syndrome”  (see my previous blog).  We want to be fixed.  We want someone else to take away our disease, our shortcoming.  We want to be cured, to be whole, and if by simply acknowledging our dependence on the Savior and asking him to remove our weaknesses from us we can be whole, life is a piece of cake.  Isn’t that perfectly consistent with the 12-steps of recovery?  Step 7:  Humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. Tada—drum roll. We are fixed.

But there is another important aspect to grace that we need to look at.  In the same discussion where she shared the story of Naaman with me, my friend also shared some insights from a talk by David A Bednar. I was already familiar with the ideas, but hadn’t spent much time applying them to recovery.

From the Bible dictionary, under the word grace, we read:

"A word that occurs frequently in the New Testament, especially in the writings of Paul. The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ (emphasis added).

"It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts".

Hum….grace = strength and assistance, enabling power.

If we plug that in, "it is by grace [strength and assistance, the enabling power of Christ] that we are saved…", we have some serious food for thought.  Isn’t grace a “get out of jail free” pass?  Am I not magically cured simply by having the faith that he can cure me?

In his talk, David A Bednar points to examples in the scriptures where individuals understood the real meaning of grace.  For example, when Nephi prays, he doesn’t just ask to be delivered, but to be given the strength he needs.  (1 Ne 7:17)  "O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound."  

In effect, don’t just remove my problem, but give me the strength and enabling power I need to do what I need to do.

In Mosiah 24, Alma’s people are greatly afflicted.  Verse 15 we says: "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon [them] were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord".

Wow.  That is profound.  I am a food addict.  I don’t want to be, but I am.  All those prayers I said asking to be changed back into a normal person didn’t get answered.  My problem wasn’t taken away from me, but, that is not necessarily the meaning of grace.  Grace has been manifested one day at a time as I have been given the strength—the enabling power—to get up each morning and commit to living the day abstinently.   I feel that gift of grace each time I am willing to weigh my food, to leave a dessert on the table, to attend a meeting, to call my sponsor. 

I am not cured, but through grace I am able to live in recovery one day at a time.

I like the simplified version of steps 1-3:  “I can’t.”   “He can.”   “I’ll let him.”

I am powerless over food (as evidenced by the fact that my weight was simply unmanageable). I can’t fix me.  I have tried over and over again.  Finally, out of desperation I will turn it over to him.  I don’t ask to be miraculously healed.  All I ask for is the strengthening, enabling power (grace) to do what I need to do one step at a time, one day at a time, one bite at a time. 

And for today, that is enough.

The Story of Naaman and My Road to Recovery

A friend anonymously shared a discussion she recently had with someone who was struggling with a serious addiction.  His heart was broken.  He felt hopeless and defeated and expressed the fact that he was willing to do anything necessary to get past the problem.  Regardless of how painful or radical the cure might be, it would be worth it if it meant he could finally be released from the habits, behaviors and thinking patterns that held him captive.

The point of her sharing this discussion with me was this:  she realized that he was willing to submit to any number of major, painful experiences—to do whatever dramatic approach recovery required as long as it resulted in the problem being totally removed from him.  But, it was clear he didn’t understand what recovery from addiction really entailed.  It isn’t a matter of taking a single radical step and being cured.  It is a matter of doing a number of small and seemingly insignificant things over a long period of time that really leads to recovery.

She shared the story of Naaman as found in 2 Kings, chapter 5.  We read that Naaman was a great man.  He was captain of the host of the king of Syria, honourable and mighty, but that he was also a leper.  Naaman went to the prophet Elisha to be healed of his leprosy. 

The story recounts that “Naaman came with his horses and with his chariot, and stood at the door of the house of Elisha, and Elisha sent a messenger unto him, saying, go and wash in Jordan seven times, and thy flesh shall come again to thee, and thou shalt be clean.”

The story goes on to say that “Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, ‘behold…he will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper. Are not [the] rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel?  May I not wash in them, and be clean?’  So he turned and went away in a rage.”

One of his servants said to him, “if the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? How much rather then, when he saith to thee, wash, and be clean?”  Following that reproof, Naaman “went…down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean.”

This lesson is profound.  It relates to all of us who struggle with any kind of addiction or character defect. 

•       Naaman expected some dramatic, huge event that would instantly cure him.  Instead, he was asked to do something small, insignificant and apparently unrelated.  It didn’t even make sense to him.  He couldn’t see the correlation between the action he was asked to take and the problem he had.

•      Naaman wasn’t just asked to do it once and then be cured—he was asked to do it seven times.  …a small and simple act, repeated over and over again.  It wasn’t just a “one-shot fix”, but consistency over time.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I can see Naaman reflecting back at me.  How many times did I look for some major, dramatic cure for my weight problem.  I was willing to spend hundreds of dollars on a weight loss program as long as I would be thin after plunking my money down.  I was willing to go on any crazy crash or starvation diet if it meant that I wouldn’t have to be fat any more.  What about those of us who go to the extreme of surgery, all with the intent that having once submitted our bodies to that radical procedure we will never have to deal with the consequences of our food addiction again?

Like Naaman, how many of us are "wroth" when we aren't offered a quick fix to our problem? So often we spend our time waiting or looking for a big, dramatic cure—the answer that will free us from our problem once and for all.  We tell ourselves that we want to be cured so badly that we are willing to take any action, how ever painful or large.  What we don’t see is that we spend our time waiting for something big to happen when the real answer—the little daily steps we need to take—are placed right in front of us.  It is the small commitments, repeated over time that bring real healing and recovery.

The miracle of working a 12-step recovery program for me was that it taught me that there is generally no instantaneous cure for an addiction.  We find a recovery program.  We commit to the actions necessary to get “abstinent” or “sober” from our destructive behavior.  Then we use the tools our program gives us and work the 12 steps of recovery as part of the slow process of change. 

The significance of Naaman having to dip himself multiple times certainly didn’t escape me.  I found a recovery program.  I committed to working it.  I worked it for a year, then two, then three, then four.  But I got so tired of doing the same little things over and over.  I felt sure that five years was enough.  After that level of effort surely I could be cured.  Not so.  When I let my program slip—when I stopped doing the daily actions that kept me in recovery—I relapsed. 

For Naaman, dipping in the river one time or even five times would not have been enough.  He had to consistently repeat the action before his healing occurred.  In terms of recovery, I don’t place any significance on the fact that Naaman was commanded to dip seven times, but on the fact that he did it the entire number of times he was told to.  In my recovery program I am told what specific actions I need to take every day.  I am asked to attend multiple meetings per week.  I am told that by consistently working my program I can keep my addiction in remission, but that at any point in time it is ready and waiting to come back with a vengeance.  For me, each day of recovery is like a day one, or perhaps a day seven.  I need to do it again today.  All I need to do is let my program of recovery slip for a day or a week or a month to find I am back in the clutches of addiction.

So for today, I will be willing to do the little things.  I will weigh each of my three meals.  I will not touch flour or sugar.  I will remember my reading and meditation, my outreach calls.  And for today, I will choose recovery rather than addiction.