Recovery Is Exhausting

I spent 1½ hours on the phone with my sponsor today. We covered some important information which left me feeling the need to write about it.  That automatically adds up to another 2-3 hours of time spent on trying to find recovery.  I see my day disappearing before my eyes and start to feel that panic-like feeling of impending doom as a result of not being able to get the other things done I need to get done.  On the flip side, I recognize I NEED recovery right now and the start up time for things is usually big.

 

I heard at a meeting, and have tried to internalize the fact that God gives us exactly the amount of time we need to do his will.  If we complete the day stressed and “unfinished” perhaps we used our time to do things on our own agenda (or someone else’s) rather than his. If we end the day feeling empty and unfulfilled perhaps we didn’t do something he wanted us to do.

 

First question of the day:  Is my feeling of “time” panic a result of my fear that I won’t be able to complete my agenda and my lack of willingness to accept that he might have another agenda.  Or, is it a warning sign that I need to, as quickly as possible, get my time/life in balance so that no single item takes up an inappropriate amount of time and energy?

 

We discussed a few things I was stressed out or emotionally upset about.  She requested I keep a “gratitude” journal.  This is something I have clearly recognized the need to do.  I need to keep the positive things in my life in perspective.  It helps me remember what I have.  It helps me remember why I continue, or want to continue, to do the things I do. 

 

Today we read “Foreword to the First Edition, Paragraphs 1 & 2. 

 

Things that jumped off the page at me:  “precisely” how (we have recovered).  I realized that I have tried a lot of things to “beat” food, but 90-day OA and the 12 step program is the only thing that has worked.  Just like alcoholics find physical recovery by precisely one course (not touching alcohol) food addicts find physical recovery by putting strict fences around their food (writing a food plan in advance, reporting it to a sponsor and eating exactly three weighed and measured meal a day.) Likewise there is a precise way of finding emotional and spiritual recovery (the mind part) that needs to be followed.  “All roads” DO NOT eventually lead to recovery.

 

Sponsor’s input:  “Precisely how we have recovered”….   Recovered from what?  From (previous sentence) “the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body”.  We precisely follow the program for that specific purpose.  We don’t work the steps to find physical recovery.  We are abstinent as the precursor or first step to finding relief from our hopeless state of mind and body and eventual healing of the mind.  Then working the steps helps stay in a healthy state of mind and body long term.

 

Our conversation then turned to the first step. “We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.”  She made the point that it is the only step that has to be worked perfectly.  She implied that she felt if someone relapses it is because they haven’t really worked step one perfectly.  I, on the other hand, felt that people can work step 1 and then relapse or fall back because human nature is such that we forget so fast.  If we quit working the steps and we “forget” (a gratitude journal is important) then step 1 quickly blurs and dissolves. 

 

She implied that she didn’t think that was a case if we have “really worked step 1”.  She referred to the Big Book, “Upon awakening…we consider our plans for the day…and ask God to direct our thinking.”  When we have really taken step one this is our instinct. 

 

I commented that we keep step 1 as long as we continue that practice, but no matter how strong our step 1 is, if we slip in doing those things that maintain recovery, we lose step 1.  We will have to explore the topic further at a later date.

 

Meanwhile, that is a somewhat irrelevant discussion to me right now because two things became clear to me and are immediately pertinent:

 

1)     I struggled with step 1 when I first started the program.  I have defined myself as competent, powerful, wise, capable, etc.  To be “powerless” is not in my description of myself.  To admit that my life is unmanageable implies that I am not capable of managing it…something that I don’t want to believe. So, after struggling with it for quite a while at the beginning of the program I came to admit that I was clearly a food addict.  It didn’t matter how powerful or competent I was in any other aspect of my life, the fact that I couldn’t stop eating made me powerless in that area and that aspect of life unmanageable.  I have gratefully accepted that knowledge over the years.  However, because the idea is so totally at odds with my core belief system (my “real” beliefs, not my “intellectual or hypothetical beliefs”) I have been content to leave step 1 at that.  I have no doubt I haven’t internalized it completely or in the way I have needed to even though I accept the concept as true.  There is a difference!

 

2)     I have looked at step 1 from a mostly spiritual perspective.  I can see that “I can’t; God can; I’ll let him”.  I realize I haven’t spent enough time internalizing or accepting the physical reality of my “disease” or addiction.  Using the analogy that an alcoholic is like a man with no legs—the legs don’t grow back.  You can’t jump out of bed and walk just because you recognize the problem.  You have to get a prosthesis or climb in a wheel chair.  I somehow have felt that the (shallow) spiritual recognition of my problem was enough and I haven’t really embraced the physical reality yet. 

 

I still hope that some day I will be fundamentally a different person—that I won’t be an addict and that I will be able to control it. I still chose to believe that I can “beat it”.  The practical part of step 1 involves accepting that I am permanently powerless over food… I am not going to “grow new legs”…I am not going to turn into someone who can eat wisely and with restraint once the fences are taken away. 

 

This idea will take some adjusting to.

 

We discussed the fact that I put some green beans into my mouth when I was cleaning up dinner last night.  She implied that was justification to go back to day 1, but didn’t tell me I had to go back. She asked me to pray about it and get back to her. 

 

My inclination was to just keep going.  I have actually been very careful in weighing all my food.  In fact, I am quite pleased with my diligence in following my plan. I felt that having talked to my sponsor about it was great—the rules are clear and I will commit to not doing that again.  Ironically (and this should have been a clue to me!) I had a similar experience with my previous sponsor where I had crossed a line and she left it up to me whether or not to go back to day 1.  I felt that it wouldn’t have accomplished any good except to exempt me from having to do service in my OA meetings.  Punitive measures didn’t seem to be nearly as effective as supportive and encouraging measures.

 

After contemplating the incident within the context of our discussion of Step 1, I started to feel like the real message here is that having snitched that green bean really reflects that fact that I haven’t truly accepted the reality of my situation—my resistance to accepting Step 1.  The fact that I feel I can pop beans into my mouth demonstrates that I really don’t believe I am a food addict and that compulsive eating will throw me back into a cycle of physical and mental craziness.  My willingness to be precise is, in a way, a token of my commitment to step 1. 

 

It is frustrating to realize that I just haven’t ‘gotten it’ for the last year or so and it is hard to believe I had slipped so far out of recovery without even being able to see it.

 

Final question of the day (or at least this writing session): what is it going to take for me to give up believing that I can find another way to ‘beat the system’ or eat what I want and just accept that now and forever I am a food addict and that can’t eat outside my strict fences with activating a hopeless state of mind and body.         

 

Answer:  I don’t know if I can, but I will be abstinent and willing for today.