My sponsor referred to a statement someone made on a “coffee shop” meeting recently where she said that there are [“x” number] of things that happen before we take the bite. I was intrigued by that and decided that in my blog I would try to identify all the different things that happened—especially in my mind—before I actually took the bite during my relapse. Before I could even start the list, one particular thing jumped out at me as being of such monumental importance that everything seemed inconsequential. What did I do before I relapsed?
I forgot.
No, I don’t mean I forgot what I did. I mean I forgot. I forgot where I had come from and how much freedom I had gained. In the process of forgetting that, I forgot to be grateful. As soon as gratitude began to slip away, longing, discontent and resentment started to slip in and goodbye recovery.
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“The population [of Orderville] rose to seven hundred people. One hundred and fifty of them gave Orderville a special advantage: they had come from the mission on the
“They didn’t have much, but their poverty may have been their greatest contribution. Their having almost nothing provided a basis for future comparison that might have guaranteed gratitude: any food or clothing or housing that came to them would be treasure compared to their privation on the Muddy mission.
“But time passed, the railroad came, and a mining boom put cash in the hands of people in the neighboring towns. They could buy imported clothes, and they did. The people [of Orderville] were living better than they had in years, but the memory had faded. They now focused on what was in the next town and [on what they were missing].
“There were many challenges Orderville faced in the ten years they lived there. One of them they never really conquered. It was the problem of not remembering. That is a problem we must solve, too.
"…we so easily forget that we came into life with nothing. Whatever we get soon seems our natural right, not a gift. And we forget the giver. Then our gaze shifts from what we have been given to what we don’t have….”
Later in the talk he goes on to counsel:
...“ ‘Thank the Lord thy God in all things.’ You could begin a private prayer with thanks. You could start to count your blessings, and then pause for a moment…. you will find that memories of other blessings will flood into your mind. If you begin to express gratitude for each of them, your prayer may take a little longer than usual. Remembrance will come. And so will gratitude.
“As you start to write, you could ask yourself, “How did God bless me today?” If you do that long enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes, you will have gifts brought to your mind which you failed to notice during the day, but which you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life.
Remembrance is the seed of gratitude….remember and be grateful.”
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So my mental list is focusing on remembering where I came from when I was in my own “Muddy”—before I experienced recovery. Let’s see:
I was miserable.
I weighed 326 pounds and wore a size 30.
I couldn’t buy clothes that fit.
The clothes I did manage to find looked terrible.
I was self-conscience and insecure.
I didn’t want to meet new people or be put in uncomfortable social situations.
I was physically limited in what I could do.
I had weight-related health problems.
I was constantly worried about whether I would “fit”—in an airplane, in a car, in a chair.
I felt defeated, hopeless, anxious and unhappy.
Then I found 90-day OA and was healed of all those afflictions.
I was happy. I lost 180 pounds and reached my goal weight. I could walk into any store and pick a size 8 up off the rack and know it would fit. I loved my yummy food and ate tons of it exactly three times a day. I was confident and secure. I had virtually no physical limitations. I felt mentally and spiritually free.
When I first went to OA meetings I would hear the phrase: “happy, joyous and free”. That’s how I felt. I felt gratitude. The miracle was obvious and it was amazing. How could that have happened to me? To someone who had felt so trapped and so helpless for so long?
But then I started to forget. I forgot what it had been like in those dark days before OA. As I forgot, I also forgot to be grateful. And so the seeds of discontent started slipping in.
But why do I always have to use my scale? Normal people don’t.
Why can’t I have pasta or a dinner roll just this once?
If 4 ounces is enough, I’m sure six is even better.
It’s not fair that I don’t get ice cream….I’ll just make sure it is sugar-free.
The disease reactivated and the weight began to slip on. I didn’t want it to. It just happened. And I thought, “but it really isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to do all that stuff I had to do on 90-day OA. I don’t want to go back to all those terrible restrictions. I just can’t make myself do it.”
Why am I back in recovery right now? Simple. Life got hard enough that I began to remember. I remember what it used to be like, what happened and what it was like now. I remembered all the positives—all the blessings.
I think I’ve discovered one of the secrets to recovery. Few people persist in doing something that is miserable, unhappy and restrictive. As long as 90-day OA is just that—a set of restrictions designed to make us miserable--there is not much hope that we will embrace it any longer than we have to in order to take a few pounds off. Certainly not long enough to make recovery a way of life. On the other hand, if the 90-day program is just one big basket of blessings in our life for which we are very grateful, following the program becomes a matter of joy.
And so, I remember, and I am grateful:
o That I am blessed with so much healthy, wonderful, tasty, food.
o That I live in such abundance and have as much as I need to eat.
o That I have a scale that helps me make sure I eat enough food.
o That I have the physical health and mental clarity that comes from detoxifying that flour and sugar out of my body.
o That I have a plan I can count on to get me to and keep me at my ideal weight.
o That I have support, meetings, sponsorship and all the tools to stay focused.
For today I will remember and count my blessings.
Do you want to speak Wednesday, January 12, 2011 at 7pm in Sunnyvale? I also sent you an email...
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