Sunday, November 7, 2010

What Do Showers and Food Have in Common?

I should have written this morning when I had all kinds of profound thoughts about recovery.  Now I am just tired and ready for bed.  However, I did have one thing to share:

I am addicted to showers.  I know--  T.M.I (too much information).  You see, I would be very happy if human beings didn't need to take showers.  They take up valuable time that I would rather spend doing something else.  But the point is we need to.  So pretty much every morning, whether I like it or not, I have to climb in.  Five minutes with some soap and warm water would do it and I could be on my way.  But then I have this little thought go through my mind--warm water feels SO good.  I will turn it a little warmer and stand under the shower head a little longer.  Another five minutes goes by and now I am really enjoying life.  I realize I have things to do and places to go, but heck--it feels SOOOO good that I make it a little warmer still  and stand for another five minutes.  By this time I am feeling guilty.  If I don't stop, there are going to be consequences.  I am going to be late.  All the hot water is going to be drained out of the tank.  Our water bill is going to skyrocket.   So what do I do?  Turn the heat up a fraction more and stand for another five minutes basking in the opportunity to be completely oblivious to anything but the water pouring over me. The longer I stay there, the harder it is to tear myself away.  By then the water is so hot that it is tortue to turn it off and face stepping back out into the icy cold, real world long enough to dry off and dress.  My skin is stinging, I'm running late and I am totally mad at myself for not stopping when I should have been done.

As I was showering this morning, I realized that is exactly how it is for me with food.  I would be fine if I didn't have to ever eat.  But I do.  Every day.  So I sit down for what I need--just the right amount of "soap and water" to do the job.  But if feels SO good I don't want to stop there.  So I 'turn it up' a bit and keep eating. If some is good, more is totally better.  Instead of stopping when I should, I want to keep on going and going.  In my pre-90-Day OA years I did just that....all the way up to 326 pounds.  Like the hot shower, I just couldn't seem to pull myself away no matter what the consequences.

For me, OA is like having an automatic timer on the shower that turns off after 5 minutes.  I don't have to want to get out, but I have to make myself do it anyway.  The scale and the clock tell me when to turn off my eating.  I don't have to want to stop--but the only hope for me is to do it anyway and get on with real life.  So far, it's working for me.  One day at a time.

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